Story Time - My Best Worst Day

Really this is a worst, best, kind of day thing... but first, let me set the scene, I graduated and had a good job I never really applied myself at; but luckily I got head hunted and promised riches beyond my wildest dreams in another job.  Fantastic!  Also I'd gone through five years of secondary school then two years of college and had a massive crush on a girl, and she was now my girl friend... only took me five years beyond the end of college to get her, but I got her...

So, I'm at this nice new job, and I've got the girl I wanted, but... She's a bitch... She hates me really, she was fine until she graduated as a junior school teacher, at which point she became so supercilious and strange she never turned off, and came home and was just a pain in my rear, you know she was either moaning about work, moaning about being a woman (yes this means moaning about periods) or hanging out with her ex - who used to and I believe carried on beating her.. More about that later.

All was going okay, I moved into the new job... But had to spend more and more time trying to please this bemoaning pain in the arse and got more and more tired, things at work got a big sketchy, they didn't really know what they wanted me to do, or understand the technology I could offer them - this was the days of the early internet and people wanted a "program" to happen in browsers but there were basic problems like I was barred from using the internet... To write Internet based applications.... YAWN...

Long and the short a day came when I knew something was going on; my spider senses were twinkling; I got into work, and someone had been on my PC, my password was changed, I was locked out of the network and there was that little note "just pop by and see Vanessa"... Meah, I knew it, I was canned, so off I went canned... Gone, I knew it, and I left no big deal... I'd even thought the writing was on the wall for a week because of a business problem, and project cancellation.

Anyway, I get into the car park, call the girl... No answer... In fact my call was actively rejected, hmm, weird, got some news about me for once, not you... Either that, or she was busy coming on, or coming off or enjoying the seeming fifteen minutes of level brain flight between the two states.  So I called the folks... And I remember laughing as they answered... "Well, that job is down the shitter"....

I wish I'd never said this to my Mother as since then and now (18 odd years) she's never shut the fuck up about it, I've been in my current job for 11 years, and never lost it, yet she's convinced I'm going to loose this job any minute... Not be made redundant or leave, but actively fired for being a douch or something... Yeah, she'd not make a great character reference for me.

Anyway, job canned, I get in the car and I drive home with a feeling of a great weight having been lifted from my shoulders.

But I'm driving home to she who must rule my life without actually wanting to commit to me, or sleep with me, or be nice...

And I open the front door, and nearly piss myself laughing even harder, pushed back through the door are her keys, she's left...

That's why she didn't answer the phone... So I have a scout around the house, yes the tampons, the always panty liners, the cloths and even a picture of her all gone, thank god.

I immediately celebrate with a trip to the shops, buy a huge £20 beef joint and roast it and eat great slices of it on fresh bakery bread... something I was banned from cooking, because she doesn't like the taste or smell... 

Either way you cut this, it should have been a terrible day... Employment lost, girlfriend of four years gone... 

You know what, it was the best fucking day ever!

Not a post for the Vicker to read - Strange Job Interviews

I was just watching this...

And it reminded me of perhaps the most awkward moment I've ever had in a job interview.

The interview was down in Cambridge, for a programming job, in an office about 700 yards from the Imperial War Museum Duxford... Which, to be honest, was the main draw for me.

Anyway, I remember being led up four flights of stairs, and into an attic room, where the walls were freshly plastered, this was a young, new company, there was a long table and I was sat at one end and then five guys came in.  Four took seats with note pads and stared at me whilst one chap stood by a flip chart of paper.

No-one said a word to me, I stood to shake hands, but they didn't come near, neither did they say a word, they were all very pale pasty looking geeks.  Now, I am also a geek, but back then I was freshly graduated, I had a romping sex life and I had the remnants of training hard at karate on me, so I didn't look too bad with a big mop of hair and a clean crisp suit on I was the anti-pole of these scraggly guys.

They all spoke with posher then you, style Cambridge accents, and they all held their nose when they realised I was a graduate from an ex-polytechnic...

But still they didn't say a word to me...

Next thing, the interview began... they asked me lots of maths like questions, then about my knowledge of internet payment systems - which at that time - before even PayPal was sod all.

And then whilst the chap by the flip chart started to draw something, one of them around the table suddenly asked...

"How do you stand about anal sex?  Either male on female, or male to male"

Stunned I just opened my mouth and closed it again... Was this an invitation?  Did they look so pasty as they didn't leave the office, I'd not seen a woman in the entire place so I was a little disturbed and didn't want to be cock-blocking or volunteering to sausage jockey any of this lot.. not for a job.

"I'm sorry?"

And another spoke...

"You know, fisting, BSDM, real hard core"

There was absolutely no anchor for my brain on this, it was not mentioned in the job description, I had nothing to go on...

"Well, I've been around"

Was my only reply...

"No, not you, videos, pictures that sort of thing?"

Pictures, I had the most gorgeous girlfriend at the time whom I could get to drop suck and swallow she was so horny... so I was not up on the old lads mag end of the market.

Then it clicked, their work, their business was porn, it was internet porn... They looked so pasty as they made their money being online pretending to be the female to male chatters online and charging for it whilst videos played.  And I was being hired because I had a few modules listed on my CV of Artificial Intelligence and Natural Language processing (my favourite module truth be told).

They wanted me to write a chat box, but their approach, the advert, their pay all turned me off the whole thing, they themselves made it all so seedy.

Perhaps there was money in it, I think the legality of the hardcore stuff they were talking about in Britain - at that time - was questionable, and so they did host their services overseas, so the job security was tenuous at best.

I never chased up the company, they no longer exist, and I didn't take the job, but I'd have liked to know how much money - if any - they raked out the masturbatory habits of the world.

My girlfriend... has a man draw

"What?" I hear you asking "is a man draw?", well according to some a man draw is a single, usually small draw in the house, where as a man you get to store things like batteries, fuses, string, glue... all those little nick-nack things that as a man you need from time to time...

A small torch... Blu-tac... tippex...

My man draw is actually a whole room, including dual screen PC, drum kit and coffee maker... but that's beside the point... because I'm a little worried...

My GIRLFRIEND... let me emphasise that... GIRLfriend [well fiancee - yay us] has a MAN draw... she's not a man... but she has a man draw.

She had this little... well, quite large actually... draw in the kitchen full of little nick-nacks... infact I'm quite proud of her, because as man draws go, hers is a cracker, you can hardly get the thing closed without a pen or piece of paper getting trapped in it.

I'm not worried about this, we both know who wears the trousers in our relationship... she does... so everything is fine.