My Mothers Mania

My mother… is mental… There, I said it... She's bat shit, off the trolley mental... What has caused this conclusion today?.. Well in the pantheon of strangeness she's become over the last fourteen years, she's just getting odd, and the oddness is very much of her own flavour.... 

She’s arranging a lunch for my Dad’s 65^th Birthday**… She’s asked if we can go… It’s the day after his birthday…  We've said yes... but… and this is a big set of buts…

1.       We don’t know what time it is… nor do we know where it is...

She's said Dad knows he's going to be taken out for a lunch... But he doesn't know where to... Okay, fine... I don't really speak to my Dad day to day, I see him once in a blue moon as he's "so busy", you know looking after his bat shit crazy wife... And I'm 900 & 99 point 99 less of a gossip than my mother is, so even if I knew and I saw him I would be like "RIGHT SEE YOU AT MCDONALDS!"... Would I.... No, I'm 36, not 6.*

When however, I've asked my mother "When and where"... she says... “I’m not telling you, because it’s a secret”…. She does not get that you can't invite someone somewhere and not tell them where it is... We need to fucking know so we know where we’re going retard!

This is just the normal mania she has, next we get cryptic messages…

"it's only a part time restaurant, and for parties over 8 they need the food selection a head of time, get a menu"...

Erm... erm... Where the fuck from?

“Meet at the venue, by one of the two open fires”…. 

Erm... Erm... What time?... And where are the fires again?...

This is basically now a very sad mystery novel...  We have to find a location open part time for meals, with two open fires, which will seat a party of 8 or more, which require such parties to order a head of time...

It is all such a sad joke.... And I can only see it ending in tears (again*).

* Coincidently, I'm a little pissed off that I'm not being told anything, because the last time we attempted as a Family to go out for my Fathers Birthday, we went to the Broad Oak pub at Strelley... But they didn't have any food on that day, so we went to another pub in the same chain the Horse and Groom on the B600... Already peeved we've moved venue, I go in (I'm alone at the time), and as I'm watching my Dad is just asking a chap whether a chair is in use, so he can move it to the table and make 4 chairs...

Suddenly, and dramatically my little brother explodes... "I know people here" shouting "They know me, and you're embarrassing me"... My Dad looks at him quizzically... My Brother is upset that my Dad is moving this chair...

Apparently that's an embarrassment... 

So already pissed off my Dad storms out, because my brother has made him look a fool...

My brother leaves with this then fiancée and I'm still stood there... As my mother traipses over the length of the bar crying here eyes out....

My Dad's gone home, without her... He's dumped her and stormed off home...

So I put my mother in my car and take her home...

That was the last family outing I dared go on with them all...

With a mystery venue this time, my mother is already burning my patience stick at both ends...

** For those observant amongst my audience, you might think he's retiring, he's not.  He's been retired since 1994.... So if they mention "retirement"... my plan is to kick my legs out, cross them and fold my arms and lean my head to one side, you know like a dog being shown a card trick.